SLOPS Epidemic "Might Surpass SARS"

Geneva. The World Health Organization (WHO) today issued a new warning against non-essential travel to the entire Western hemisphere following renewed concerns about the alarming, rapid spread of Severe Loss of Perspective Syndrome (SLOPS).

Officials are warning travelers not to visit the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, and much of Western Europe following massive outbreaks of the disease. These new infections have led to hysteria among members of the media, thousands of ecstatic children being kept out of school by their credulous and moronic parents, and unbelievable profits for thousands of retailers as the public rush to buy face masks and boiler suits at prices that have been pushed to all-time highs because of "global shortages."

A WHO spokesperson said, "You would be much better off going to somewhere like Hong Kong or China because all you have to worry about there is SARS. And let's face it, you're about as likely to die from SARS as you are to be kicked to death by a gang of zombie nuns."

The SARS virus has now claimed a staggering 700 lives in only seven months, which makes it considerably more deadly than malaria, which kills only about 3,000 people every day. The prospect of SARS has, however, made at least one British journalist feel a bit queasy for a couple of days and is, therefore, considered much more serious.

With tens of millions of people now infected, the spread of SLOPS has now reached pandemic proportions. The rapid spread of SLOPS has been linked to the end of the war in Iraq and to the need for Western leaders to give the public something to worry about. Otherwise, they might start asking uncomfortable questions about domestic issues, and that is something most politicians desperately want to avoid.

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